If you’re paying any attention to the posting dates then it’s pretty obvious my motivation waxes and wanes. Starting this blog off I was all like, oh yeah maybe a post a week? Every other? Easy peasy. Foolish foolish girl. Since my last post (which I actually wrote in June just posted in July making the gap in posts even worse), I have finished my summer term at Hollins and begun the fall semester. During the time inbetween I did very little and especially little in terms of “refining my craft”. It’s funny that you can end the term feeling so energized but the second you leave the creative environment all that motivation falls to the wayside.
You could say, Zoelle, you were in a super intense program for six weeks of course you’re burnt out creatively! And to that I say, that’s very generous thank you, but also just literally not the case. After a month plus of doing nothing I feel more burnt out than ever.
The good news is that with the start of the new semester my motivation has again risen. So here I am. Woo. I would like to make some commitments to you, and to my creativity but I suspect they will work like New Year’s resolutions and so I will refrain. But I have hopes! Hopes that with the influx in demands on my creative brain I will pour some of that energy here.
Like I said in the title, motivation is a tricky bitch. And I suspect its because she is all tied up with the ever infamous muse, who is even more wily. I had a teacher, Matt Faulkner, this past term who liked to talk about the muse as a kind of delicate child-like well of knowledge that existed right behind your sternum. And it was essential that you gentle parented this little being inside your chest. It may want to work at 3am, but you know it’s best to work from 9-12 then 1-4, so you tell it so firmly but with compassion.
I think my muse is a little dopamine hungry goblin. She may live behind my sternum and I will gentle parent her but I will also have to make her wear a leash in public and give her a consistent supply of snacks lest she screech at an inopportune time. I say dopamine hungry because she (and I) are constantly looking for our next source of inspiration. Something that will help us produce something wonderful. I think my problem is that I’ve been feeding her crap for a month and so all she’s given me is crap back. Which is rude but fair.
Again, this is a problem potentially solved by the start of school where I will have a constant influx of inspiration from reputable sources. And I will be able to stop watching what’s in my bag videos and closet clean outs on YouTube for 5 hours at a time because I will have better things to be doing. Like writing blog posts for a website that as of writing this I haven’t even posted yet. And so maybe, with more sustainable farm fresh inspo my little goblin muse will flourish and make productive Pinterest boards and salient Spotify playlists. Or like, actually work on writing and drawing my own stuff. That’d be great.
One day I will learn to tame my muse or whatever and have her be a consistent beast that is entirely intrinsically motivated and spouts beautiful nonsense whenever I need her to. Until that day, I will continue to have hopes and perhaps they will eventually fulfill my dreams and everything will be hunky dory. Fingers crossed.
Gratefully,
Zoelle Bellitto
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